Short poem about CPTSD & dreaming: “Let me sleep”.

Last night I had a bad dream again,

I feel like this will never end,

I know it wasn’t reality but it feels so deep and personal to me,

What is my brain trying to tell me?

Is there some truth in these dreams or is it all my CPTSD?


It feels like a curse to be spiritual and have a busy brain because sometimes I just want the silence, I want the rest,

I want to rest my head and not dream away,

I want to feel refreshed when I get out of bed…

But it is my curse I have to bare,

Like many other things in my life, I have to live with it, cope with it, but at least I can share.

Share my truth, share my struggle, share my reality because maybe somewhere out there someone is going through the same experiences as me.

#cptsd

#cptsdwarrior

#mentalhealthawareness

#mentalhealthblogger

Classical compositions that evoke the countryside. 🌄🌅

The best music has the power to flick the switch that transports us to a different time or place. It also has the ability to either amplify our feelings or to help us escape them.

Songs are where we go to lose ourselves or to find something that is sometimes otherwise lacking- as is the natural world.

When you’re yearning for the outdoors give these great classical compositions a listen to transport you.

  • The last ascending by Vaughan Williams: a hugely popular piece for solo violin and orchestra, this song portrays the artist’s love for the countryside. The solo violin representing the larks flight into the sky- it is one of the best loved pieces of music ever written.

  • Enigma Variations by Elgar: this song is made up of a theme and 14 variations, each of which is dedicated to one of the composers friends and family.

  • On hearing the first cuckoo in spring by Delius: Delius wrote this ode to the countryside in 1914 but while Vaughan Willaims used the violin to capture the song of the lark, Delius recreates the cuckoo’s iconic call using mainly woodwind instruments- the oboe and clarinet in particular.

  • Eclogue by Finzi: Finzi was born in London in 1901 but he’s most famous for his music celebrating the British landscape.

  • Variation XI (Allegro Di Molto) by Edward Elgar: so strong the composers association with Worcestershire’s Malvern Hills that it’s possible to explore the Elgar Route, where you can soak up the scenery that inspired so much of his work

  • The Exe Estuary by Show of Hands: it’s not just classical pieces that transport us to our favourite places; folk music can be just as expressive. This track is taken from Show of Hands 2003 instrumental album ‘The Path’, recorded to mark the silver jubilee of the South-West coastal path. It also demonstrates Steve Knightley and Phil Beer’s deep understanding of their home patch.

  • Rainbow River by Vashi Bunyan: this song comes from the English songwriters revered 1970 album ‘just another diamond day’ which was inspired by her travels through Scotland on horse and carriage. There’s a simplicity to both the music and lyrics of rainbow River which fits into how many other people view the country.

  • Little bird by Goldfrapp: Alison Goldfrappe and Will Gregory, the duo behind the glam pop band tended to keep their pastoral influences concealed beneath layers of shimmering electronics however, in 2008 this changed. Their album ‘Seventh Tree’ a simpler folk-inflected affair revealed their love of the countryside.

  • Kingfisher by Bert Jansch: Bert Jansch, formerly of the group Pentangle, recorded an instrumental folk album called ‘Avocet’ in February 1978. Avocet was inspired by the traditional song “The Cuckoo”. All tracks on the album are named after a sea bird or wading bird.

  • Water by Sally Beamish (Piano Concerts no.1): Beamish wrote most of this concerto in 2016 while staying in the Caignorms National Park. Water is the first of 4 parts.

  • The sea: I. Seascape by Frank Bridge: so stirring it inspired a 10 year old Benjamin Britten, this 4 movement piece was completed in Frank Bridge’s Eastbourne home in 1911. At the premiere, Bridge said this movement ‘Paints the sea on a summer morning’.

Enjoy listening to these beautiful pieces.

Thank you to Countryfile magazine for the inspiration and a lot of the content to write this article.

The flowers that look like a sunset. 🌅

ι can’т нelp вυт ѕтare ιn awe aт тнeѕe gorgeoυѕ ғlowerѕ ιn мy garden.

ι вoυgнт тнeм alмoѕт a мonтн ago and ι can’т acтυally reмeмвer wнaт тнey are вυт ι cнoѕe тнeм вecaυѕe тнey looĸ lιĸe a ѕυnѕeт.

ᴀʀᴇɴ’ᴛ ᴛʜᴇʏ ɢᴏʀɢᴇᴏᴜs!!!

#gardener

#gardening

#flowers

#beautiful

#plantsmakemehappy

It’s finally happened: the first appointment to meet my consultant for my excision surgery. 💛💛💛💛

I͎t͎’s͎ f͎i͎n͎a͎l͎l͎y͎ h͎a͎p͎p͎e͎n͎e͎d͎!!!

ɪ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴍʏ ʀᴇғᴇʀʀᴀʟ ʟᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ʀᴇɢᴀʀᴅɪɴɢ ᴍʏ ᴇxᴄɪsɪᴏɴ sᴜʀɢᴇʀʏ ɪɴ ᴀʀʀᴏᴡ ᴘᴀʀᴋ, ʙɪʀᴋᴇɴʜᴇᴀᴅ.

I have an appointment on the 7th September to finally meet my specialist in Birkenhead to talk to him about how I’m struggling and to discuss my upcoming excision surgery to remove the main mass of the endometriosis that is behind my uterus and actually pushing my bowel up as it is attaching itself to my bowel. I am also hoping that they will help with my adenomyosis and PCOS.

Fingers crossed!!

#endometriosis

#endowarrior

#excisionsurgery

No morphine patches, now another painkiller added to the list. 💊

Story about me taking the gabapentin on my instagram account.

Week of 3rd-9th August.

I went to work on the Monday and I really struggled without my morphine patches, but I managed to finish the shift, I was absolutely exhausted when I came home.

On the Tuesday I came to work again but this time when I came into work for an afternoon shift I felt much worse! By the time I had got in and put my bag and belongings in my locker the pain hit me and caused me to cry again and I went to the manager explained the situation and I went home.

I was off for the rest of the week, phoning the doctors trying to get patches and trying to control my pain and FAILING.

By the time the weekend came I was in so much pain I could barely move, I was stuck on the sofa all Saturday morning.

I had to call the out of hours doctors and after waiting a while they phoned back and recommended either going to hospital again (which I wasn’t going to do) or gabapentin which is for nerve pain…obviously I took the gabapentin.


Since taking the gabapentin (since saturday) so for 5 days I have felt:

  • Dizzy
  • Nauseous
  • Light-headed
  • Fatigued
  • Rapid heart rate
  • Increased anxiety
  • Stomach ache

All these symptoms above have made me feel really ill and since I’ve only been taking them for a short period of time I thought to myself- should I be feeling like this, so I phoned the doctor.

Discussing all my medications he told me to come off the gabapentin and the naproxen surprisingly?!

He told me that I could try a more effective and stronger dose anti-inflammatory instead.

So Thursday 13th (tomorrow), I am hoping that it will be ready at the pharmacy for me and that it will help!

#endowarrior