Feeling that you’re life isn’t under your control. (Living with PTSD).

I regard myself as an understanding and spiritual person but there is and has always been one saying that I don’t believe nor understand.

There are so many spiritual quotes and non-spiritual quotes claiming that we make our own reality, that we can somehow shape our reality and somehow by what seems like a magical fairytale that we can achieve all our life goals but just believing in them- this I find to be unrealistic and misleading.

I understand that this quote in some aspects actually means that if you put you’re mind to it that you can achieve your goals through persistence and hard work however, I do not believe that we can make our own reality.

We live in a big universe and it contains both ugliness and beauty- the ultimate ugliness and unfortunate truth is that we don’t chose the circumstances we were born into, we don’t chose to have the bad incidences happen to us, we don’t chose to have bad luck and I certainly didn’t chose to be a victim!

I feel so out of control with my life right now…

I feel like I can picture where I want to be and I’m trying to get there but obstacles are stopping me. I have negativity all around me in the form of people putting me down, people dictating to me what I can and can’t do, not understanding me and not valuing me for the individual I am, I am intimidated, devalued for being a woman, I feel like I can’t really relate to people around me, and I am limited by my body and my health as well as a lack of finances and opportunity.

I’m hoping opportunities will open to me soon, I’m a good person, I work hard, I’ve gone through so much, why don’t I deserve success and happiness.

I know part of it is part of the healing process and I’ve still got a lot of work to do but I wish the universe would give me a hand and give me some luck.

Do I really deserve to feel like this, for people to treat me like this, do I deserve to be in a job I hate where I get treated like garbage?

I feel like no part of my life is under my control, I feel like in fighting a pair of floodgates or a storm, I’m fooling myself to think that for one split second I am in control when in true reality I am not, there is a force much stronger than me that I cannot see that dictates everything, its scary, overwhelming and makes you feel truly powerless.

I don’t know whether this is because of my frustration of not getting the career I want yet, a good part time job, having my health under control or getting my own place and car OR if it is part of my PTSD- feeling disconnected from others, life and feeling like life isn’t in your control after all the trauma and stress I’ve been through.

But I will continue to dream… I will continue to try… I will continue to dream.

Sorry rant over.

I am just overthinking and getting overwhelmed.

Until next time.

Faye x

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