🌟🌟 I apologise in advance this is quite a long post as I’m using this post to get quite a lot off my chest.🌟🌟
This past few months I have been really struggling with my mental health… I am a strong willed, positive and optimistic person but living with this condition is exhausting and when there have been a lot of changes too fast and I have been put under a lot of stress which lasts for a considerable amount of time this is when my clinical depression claws it’s way to the forefront of my mind and eventually takes hold.
I put so much effort to fight it by putting the right coping strategies into place so I can handle my depression, anxiety and PTSD but lately it’s been pushing back harder and harder and it’s been so much more difficult to hide it and cope…
It doesn’t matter how I’m feeling I’ve always been the type of person where I don’t like to show other people I’m down and I spend a lot of energy not only hiding it but making sure I make people happy as I know what it feels like to feel worthless, and the last thing I want is my depression to make another person feel uncomfortable and as bad as I do, I don’t want the sympathy and I don’t want the judgement; so I have been very good at hiding it….
even from my family.
Now I have a really close relationship with my mum, we have gone through a lot together and she is my best friend and she also suffers mental health issues so I feel like in a sense I can talk to her about my mental health because she understands a little about how I feel, however, my mum only suffers bouts of depression so she struggles and always has struggled with the severity of my depression and the symptoms that I get and how quickly it can take affect. My mum is the most compassionate and most caring mum I could have asked for so when I speak to her about my mental health I instantly see how this takes affect on her and how badly it affects her mental health and lately she has been struggling herself so I haven’t opened up to her in a while.
I could talk to others as I have other people in my life who would understand and listen without judgement but I dont…
I instantly isolate myself when I’m feeling low. I distance myself from everything everything everyone.
I think I do this to save people the hassle, to avoid the issue and because in my own company I can take the masks off and just be myself, I can enjoy my own company in silence and just be present, be still and rest but it does make my depression more apparent and I’m just stuck in a cycle where I can barely move, I’m exhausted, everywhere hurts, I feel completely numb and I end up watching TV just completely still on my bed with the occasional cry which I try not to let out because if I do cry it ends up like Niagara Falls and I can’t stop it and its near impossible to hide how swollen and puffy my eyes get when I’ve been crying.
A lot has gone on for me in the past year and I think what has caused me to get to this state now is not processing it properly with the added stress of other things going on at the moment.
April 2018 I finished my degree, I’d been with the same man for 6 years (and engaged for 2 years), he put me under a lot of stress and heartache and it was both a situation and a relationship I needed to get myself out of. I had my own house and 3 of my rats too.
December-April were the hardest months of my life. I’d split up from my fiancee but for to being in my last year and being constantly bombarded with university work as it was the hardest time in my academic life, we agreed I would continue to live there until I finished my last year, plus I was also paying for our food, and for us to live. We eventually mutually agreed that this was the best thing to do.
Splitting up with him was very hard, I’d already split up with him once and he agreed to change and didn’t so he knew all the reasons were the same and it was his fault that we had come to this conclusion but his response to me admitting I hadn’t got the energy to put anymore effort in a relationship that I wasn’t get enjoyment, respect or love from was:
“Why can’t you try harder, I can’t do anymore for you than I’m doing now, youre asking too much from me. ”
I’m not a materialistic or hard person to live with or be in a relationship with, I know I’m not perfect but all I was asking of him was to help me with the adult responsibility of running a house, to clean up after himself, and to get his health sorted out that was affecting our love life. He refused on all of these and relied on me to do everything, didn’t put me to the front of his list for attention or money and just expected me to put up with it and for a long time I did because I thought I couldnt do any better.
Well I soon learnt. I wanted to just originally just leave as I knew he wouldn’t let/ want us to split up and would put me through hell and thats exactly What he did.
For the months running up until April I went through nothing but stress; stress in university trying to complete my dissertation, all my work and finishing my last exams but I also had to put up with my ex humiliating me in public, continuing to drain me off most of my money, spreading lies about me and putting me through emotional abuse.
After my last exam on the 25th which was the Friday my mum took the initiative and organised for me to move out that weekend. I’d already packed most of my things to leave and off we went. A few months after I continued talking to him because he made me feel guilty, he made me still feel responsible for him even though we were split up, it took me longer than I admit to stop communicating with him.
Since moving back in with my parents I lost the remaining 3 of my rats, had the pressure of finding a new job and had to find a job as soon as I got home to pay rent and in the space between April and now I’ve had about 5 jobs.
In this job I’ve got now I’ve been bullied and much more and gone through nothing but stress.
I’ve been learning to drive which is the route into my career and to a better job but at the moment I’m stuck in a job I’m not happy in.
I’ve been trying to stay strong but I have run out of energy to fight and I am feeling very defeated, deflated and worthless and i think knowing my ex has moved on has not helped me in the slightest.
It’s taking me a lot longer to get over it and I’ve not been interested in a relationship and to be honest I’m scared so I’ve been avoiding the whole idea of it.
I’ve been trying to put myself together piece by piece using the techniques I was taught from CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) many years ago but since then I’ve had new stress, new trauma and new difficulties and these techniques aren’t working and I’m really struggling not only to cope, but to function, my mood is at its lowest.
I’m especially struggling with my dissociation. Basically because my body cannot escape the situation that is putting me under repccurent stress my body is detaching my brain from my body in order to protect it, this makes my consciousness feel separate from my body and this isn’t just sometimes this has been all the time lately, I am struggling to figure out what is real and what isn’t. My body feels numb and I feel completely distant and isolated from everyone and everything. For anyone who doesn’t experience this I canr even begin to describe how scary it is.
I’m on the right path to get what I want (I think) but I’m still in that transition before I get it. I miss having my own house as well, as much as I love living with my parents and my doggies I miss having my own place, my own freedom independence, in liverpool I could have independence without driving here it’s near impossible especially with public transport going up and bills going up and my hours being cut down.
I have got progress on the cards, I’m applying for my masters soon, awaiting a referral letter from my undergraduate lecturers, I’m still driving and getting close to passing my practical.
Its just so frustrating, I feel like I’m stuck in a hole.
So from a week ago, I opened up to my mum that I’m struggling, I went the doctors, I’m once again going to take anti depressants (prozac) and I’m signed up for more CBT.
Hopefully this will give me the help I need.
I felt ashamed about opening up for such a long time so I kept it all bottled up but it really didn’t help.
This quote exactly sums up my feelings about opening up. But my family and these quotes soon made me realise that I shouldn’t be ashamed.
The reality is that I have clinical depressive disorder, PTSD and generalised anxiety disorder- I didnt ask for these disorders and I shouldn’t feel ashamed for asking for help, I’m human and I cant cope with so many symptoms and how much it affects my mood and body.
I should be proud that I took the leap and opened up and identified that I need help.
Hopefully it’s going to improve from here.
Thanks for reading.
Until next time.
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