To deal with my anxiety because I have had my mental health issues for so long, after lots of reading, practice and experience and I would like to think a better relationship with my body meaning the ability to identify my triggers and identifying what my body is trying to tell me via symptoms and predicting my moods and the patterns of my fatigue.
Today I am having a bad day. 😣😣😔😔😖😖🤒🤒☔☔☔☔
I have used all the same techniques, but today I do not feel myself and feel so anxious.
My heart rate is that elevated that I can feel it in my throat, I feel disorientated, lethargic, dizzy and the symptom I hate the most- I’m questioning the reality of where I am and what’s happening around me aka dissociative reaction… this symptom is rather hard to explain but I’ll attempt to explain it to you. Some people who suffer depression may know about this symptom but for those of you who don’t try and imagine this feeling for yourself.
– I feel as though my actual consciousness is out of my body, I feel like I like a puppet master hovering over my body, I am controlling what it does and I can see what is going on but my mentality isn’t there, my puppet has no brain. Weird right? ⁉️⁉️
My head is pounding, my eyes hurt and all around my temples, every little movement of my head feels like I am on a boat under choppy waves, my thoughts are delayed, every thought I have appears eventually but half way between finishing it, it just simply stops, I have what I call a ‘fluttery brain’ today. 🦋🦋
As you can imagine it is a very odd sensation. The only concentration I have is actually writing this as it feels somewhat natural to write, it’s like the words just subconsciously flow out of me. Whether they make any sense is another matter, I am currently sitting on the bus on my way to work reminding myself that I’m actually on the bus because I feel like I’m still at home on the sofa…🤔🤔😥😥😖😖
That is my explanation of how it feels but here is the scientific explanation:
Dissociative disorders are mental disorders that involve experiencing a disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions and identity. People with dissociative disorders escape reality in ways that are involuntary and unhealthy and cause problems with functioning in everyday life.
Dissociative disorders usually develop as a reaction to trauma and help keep difficult memories at bay. Symptoms — ranging from amnesia/ memory loss, a sense of detachment to alternate identities — depend in part on the type of dissociative disorder you have. Times of stress can temporarily worsen symptoms, making them more obvious.
➡️ In other words, this for me is a symptom of my PTSD and my depression.
Since last Tuesday I have been feeling unwell, I’ve had what I think has been a stomach bug and I haven’t fully recovered from it. I still feel really tired, even more so than normal. I feel as though if I closed my eyes I could fall asleep at a drop of a hat, my eyes are so heavy and hard to keep open, my head hurts and my stomach is still upset with ingestion and nausea really bothering me, I have lost my appetite this past week. I haven’t really been eating breakfast or dinner just one main dish which is whatever my lovely mum makes for me each evening as she is encouraging me to eat properly. Maybe this is why my anxiety is high, because I am genuinely unwell.
Work will probably be hard today as the main challenge is getting my brain to communicate with me and ignoring my physical symptoms.
I just wish the dissociation would go away, it’s hard to explain to people and sometimes I look like a moron in front of others, if only they understood what effort I am actually making just to function on these bad days.
Until next time.
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