This post is about my journey orientating around infertility.
Since my first period at the young age of 12 I have always had issues with my menstrual cycle, my periods were very very heavy and extremely painful and would knock every little bit of energy out of me causing me to miss quite a lot of school as I would be off for days.
At the age of 15/16 I was given the contraceptive pill for the first time with the promise that it would help with my menstrual cycle. The cycle of trying different contraception medication and nothing changing except gaining negative side effects lasted until I was about 22 years old when I went to the doctor again, and expressed my concern. By this point I had tried 4 different contraceptive pills, the injection and the hormone free coil.
First the first time it was suggested that I may have an issue. I found out my mum had endometriosis and this or other related fertility issues could have passed onto me.
After a going through a blood test twice and then a camera inside my womb and an ultrasound it was confirmed that I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome).
I was referred to the womens hospital in Liverpool as this is where I lived at the time. I was told that I had 24 cysts on each ovary that keep replacing, that my progesterone levels are too low and my oestrogen levels too high and most importantly of all that I still have periods yes, but that I do not have a menstrual cycle. My eggs are not reaching full development and are staying in my ovary which is what is causing the cysts.
I cannot put into words how it felt being told that if I ever wanted children that it would take longer for me and there may be a possibility that I cannot have any at all.
It was totally demoralising and heart breaking.
I was with my fiancee at the time and since we got together he had always expressed that he wanted children but I was making him wait as I wanted to complete my university course first and gain my career and he said he was happy enough to wait, but the pressure that I had to give him children at one point was always on the back of my mind and felt like an ongoing pressure and reminder of what I had to do after university.
I do love children however, since I can remember I have never been the little girl who played with dolls and said that I wanted children one day, I have always been independent and I have only imagined children in my future twice in my lifetime, but the moment this news was given to me I felt nothing but guilt, I felt that as a woman it was my responsibility to give my partner children and the idea that this could be a difficult process caused me to put a lot of pressure on myself when in fact I already had pressure from my fiancee.
After the diagnosis, I let the news rule my life, I couldn’t let go, it made me feel less of a women and really affected my self esteem… but there were underlying issues also that added onto this from my ex- fiancee. I had been to the doctors numerous times seeking help for the many symptoms that I am suffering with but I was turned away time and time again.
I lost all hope in both understanding my condition and the hope that I would get my symptoms under control which includes constant abdominal pain.
April 2018 I broke up with my fiancee, finished my university degree (I graduated in July) and I moved back in with my parents, only then did this reboot my thinking and my mindset in dealing with this condition.
The pressure was gone, yes I still wanted answers but the guilt and responsibility has finally gone.
I went to the doctors again about my pain management and finally they listened, I got submitted to my local hospital with a brilliant gynecologist and he told me that PCOS isn’t a painful condition and the symptoms I described to him were not of PCOS but perhaps Endometriosis.
I had my pre-operation appointment last week and soon they will be sending me an appointment for a laparoscopy. I am so so nervous, but I am hoping that they are going to find out whether I have this condition or not and I will get treated properly, as I have been struggling with this condition for so long and it has made my life very hard.
I cannot count the days I’ve been in that much pain I can bearly walk and move off the sofa, the days I’ve had to get a taxi to university or work instead of the bus, the days I’ve dozed myself up on painkillers that are that strong they just make my fatigue worse.
I really hope I they sort me out and from here on I will never let this condition get on top of me.
1 in 8 women in the UK have this condition and it is treatable and managable even if I’ve had nothing but incompetent doctors fobbing me off, AND most importantly children are not the sole purpose for women!
If I never have children so be it, I am tired of society putting pressure on me to have a child both because it’s supposedly a woman’s purpose in life and because my age! Its my life I will live it how I see fit.
Who ever I meet next and end up with will have to take me for all I am including this, I am not ashamed of it anymore and I will not let it rule my life.
➡️I can also put a post on about PCOS if you like which includes symptoms, statistics in the UK and women’s testimonials.
Thanks for reading guys.
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